Written by Writer’s Corps member Colleen Gonzalez
Since the Coronavirus has forced us to limit our social interactions, some people have decided to spend their quarantine with a partner, friend, roommate and/or family member to ride out the storm. Others decided to keep their distance and limit their interactions with others to video chats and Zoom calls.
The current situation has definitely changed the way we interact with those we love. But just as we social distance from some people, we are forced to remain in close quarters with others. Add onto the constant fear and anxiety of the virus itself and when this will all be over, tensions can run high and dynamics can change.
Here are some signs that will help you identify if your relationship is headed towards unhealthy behavior.
Your Time and Attention Should Only Be On Them
There is such a thing as too much time together and when you are in close proximity with someone for a long period of time, it can feel suffocating. At the same time, when you aren’t able to quarantine with the person you love, it feels as if video chats and phone calls or text messages are the lifelines that keep you together.
While each relationship is different, there are definitely some red flags that you should look out for if your partner is trying to monopolize your time during quarantine:
– Hovering in the background when you are on a video call with someone.
– Becoming angry and hurt when you don’t answer your phone when they call or text, even if you are home all day.
– Making you feel guilty for not self-isolating with them if you aren’t already.
– Claiming you don’t love them if they choose to practice social distancing.
While it is always nice to make time for each other, it is okay to want some space from them, even if it is just for an hour or so. However, if they are constantly hanging around while you are trying to do something, whether that is talking to a friend/family member or trying to get some work done, it’s a good indication that the relationship is starting to veer off into unhealthy territory.
Going Beyond Teasing
It is a stressful time for everyone and it is okay to feel scared or anxious. For example, when I hear someone in my house cough, my instinct is to shout at them to cover their mouth, even if they have, spray disinfectant everywhere and keep my distance. I know that if I tell my boyfriend or a friend about this reaction, they will tease me for it but will also understand where this anxiety is coming from. There is nothing wrong with a little harmless teasing, but it crosses a line when the intention is to make you feel guilty for what you are doing or how you are feeling.
Here’s another example. Many people joke about all of the quarantine snacks they are eating, or the amount of alcohol they are drinking, and you may find yourself not getting out of your pajamas for most of the day or not working out as much as you used to. We all see the memes on social media that joke about the weight people will gain during quarantine or how difficult it will be to wear real clothes when the stay-at-home orders are lifted and we laugh because we can relate.
But the joke goes too far when the person you are quarantining with brings it up as a way of making you feel guilty for what you are consuming, wearing or doing. It could be as simple as someone telling you, “Are you sure you want another cookie?” or “You would look better if you wore this instead of that” and it instantly makes you feel like you are doing something wrong. Newsflash, you aren’t. Eat the dang cookie and wear whatever makes you comfortable.
They Are Taking Their Frustration Out on You
As I said, it is a stressful time for everyone around the world, and most of that stress is compounded by the fact that a lot of people are unemployed. For many, their job was how they paid bills, fed their family, or was the only way they were able to get out of the house for a while. People are starting to feel the effects of not working and if you have seen any of the protests lately, they are displaying a lot of anger.
If you and the person you are quarantining with are out of a job, and aren’t sure if you are going to be able to pay your rent, student loans, or credit card bill, the frustration will start growing and it is easy to take it out on the person who is closest to you.
On the other hand, if you are able to go to work, whether you are an essential employee or have the ability to work from home, while the other is unemployed, they may feel envious that you are still receiving a paycheck while they aren’t. Furthermore, being in close quarters with someone all of the time is bound to cause a lot of tension and if it isn’t dealt with properly, it could manifest itself in unhealthy ways. Some examples of this include misplaced anger over chores not being done even though someone was home all day to do it, blaming someone for not getting essentials such as toilet paper or even fighting someone over a package of toilet paper in a store.
Pushing Boundaries
When you end up sharing space with someone, it can almost seem as if boundaries become invisible, but that is most certainly not the case. Whether you are quarantining in a tiny apartment or a big mansion, it doesn’t erase the boundaries you are allowed to have with yourself. For example, this can mean getting in each other’s personal space when it is unwanted, feeling pressured to be intimate with your partner because you have the time, or, if you are distancing from each other, being asked to send explicit photos or messages as a way to keep the relationship going.
Other examples include not adhering to quiet hours so that work and studying can get done, using up the person’s resources that may be hard to get or, in an extreme case, withholding resources. It is possible you may have lived with this person before the coronavirus and things were fine but you both had lives outside of your living space. Having to be in close proximity with someone for an uncertain amount of time can lead to frustration and misplaced anger that ends up pushing limits on both sides. Just because we have been forced to stay indoors, it doesn’t give someone the right to push your boundaries, nor does it give you permission to do the same to them.
Even if you agree that some of these unhealthy behaviors have been showing up between you and your partner, or whomever you decided to spend your quarantine with, it doesn’t mean they can’t be worked out. I think the one positive I can see from people being forced to quarantine with someone they care about is that they are able to work on the relationship between them. There may be certain things you didn’t know were considered unhealthy but you both are willing to find a way to change that. However, if you feel the unhealthy behavior is not changing, check out this article on five places to find help or visit One Love’s real-time resources page here.
