Co-authored by One Love Foundation and Michelle Armstrong, sister of Amy Armstrong

A Powerful Reminder of Why Knowing the Signs Matters

Relationships are some of the most important parts of our lives, yet many of us are never taught how to recognize when a relationship is becoming unhealthy or abusive. At One Love, we believe that learning the signs and having open conversations about relationships can give us the language and tools to better understand what we are experiencing and what we see happening to the people we care about.

Sometimes, those signs are difficult to recognize, especially when unhealthy behaviors exist alongside moments that feel loving, thoughtful, or familiar. One Love’s 10 Signs of Healthy and Unhealthy Relationships help put words to behaviors we might otherwise overlook and remind us that when unhealthy behaviors become a pattern, it is important to pay attention.

For the Armstrong family, that lesson is deeply personal. In the story below, Michelle Armstrong, sister of Amy Armstrong, shares the loss of her sister, the signs she recognizes more clearly in hindsight, and what she wishes she had known before Amy was killed by her boyfriend in October 2024.

A Sister’s POV

What if you were told that the last time you would talk to your sister was going to be today? What would you say?

On October 23, 2024, I didn’t know it would be the last time I would have a 30-minute FaceTime call with my sister, Amy.

A FaceTime call that replays in my head over and over again. One that I will remember for the rest of my life.

I remember the sadness in her voice and the tears streaming down her face as she told me how unhappy she was in her relationship. She said things like, “He just won’t talk to me.” “He keeps shutting down.” “I just don’t know what to do anymore.”

I never, in a million years, thought that just four days later, I would get a call telling me that my sister, Amy, had been killed by her boyfriend, becoming a victim of domestic violence.

I often replay our FaceTime conversation in my head and ask myself: Did I say the right things?

I do know that I asked her one very important question: “Why don’t you leave and go to Mom’s for the weekend?”

Amy’s response was, “I can’t leave him. It will make things worse.”

Instead of continuing to ask her questions, I listened.

Looking back, I know that was important too. Sometimes, being a sounding board. To listen without judgment. To create a space where they feel safe enough to keep talking, rather than making them feel judged and causing them to shut down.

But there is one question that crosses my mind every time I replay that conversation: “Do you feel safe being with him?”

Looking Back at the Signs

Transparently speaking, when I reflect on their relationship now, I did see signs.

I saw the intensity with which he pursued her. I saw the manipulation that made her feel like her emotions weren’t valid. I saw the betrayal of her trust, which caused her anxiety to spike. I saw the belittling that made her feel less than she was.

But here is what I have learned: when you are in the middle of a relationship like this, those signs can be incredibly difficult to see clearly.

You saw the flowers on the counter.

You saw the money being spent on trips.

You saw the person he could be at a family dinner—the act he put on that felt so real.

Isn’t that confusing? How do you recognize something dangerous when it is surrounded by moments that look like love?

People often ask me, “Did you see this coming?”

The answer is no. I never, in a million years, thought that the person who was supposed to love and take care of my sister would be the very person who ended her life.

As Amy’s sister and best friend, I wish more than anything that I could have prevented all of this from happening.

Amy

Amy was and is a very smart person.

She loved with her whole heart, sometimes to a fault.

She had a bright light that radiated through any room she walked into. She had a way of making even a stranger feel like they belonged.

That is who I want people to remember.

But it is also important to understand that Amy did begin to notice the changes in his behavior.

The shifts in his mood.

The distance.

The lack of intimacy.

There were many things.

I believe my sister was beginning to realize that this was not the relationship she had initially entered into. The person she was dating was beginning to take the mask off.

She was starting to see the relationship for what it had become.

Until it was too late.

Turning Loss Into Action

Michelle’s story is a powerful reminder of why knowing the signs matters. Intensity, manipulation, betrayal, and belittling are among the unhealthy behaviors One Love teaches people to recognize, but as Michelle describes, those behaviors are not always easy to see clearly from inside a relationship or from the outside looking in. Learning to identify and talk about unhealthy relationship behaviors can help us better recognize what we are seeing, trust when something feels wrong, and create space for the people we care about to talk without judgment.

Amy’s family is carrying that work forward in her memory. To honor the person Amy was and the light she brought to those around her, the Armstrong family created the Pookie Trot 5k Walk/Run, bringing their community together while helping raise awareness about relationship abuse and the importance of prevention education.

This October, you can join them for the second annual Pookie Trot 5k and help turn remembrance into action.

Can’t join us at the Pookie Trot? You can still make a difference. Learn One Love’s 10 Signs of Healthy and Unhealthy Relationships and share them with the people in your life. The more people who know the signs, the more prepared we are to recognize unhealthy behaviors and start conversations about what healthy love should look like.