Dear One Love,
I think my girlfriend is cheating on me. Whenever we’re together, she’s constantly getting texts. When I ask her who’s texting her she won’t tell me. I feel stuck- I know in my gut something is up, but I need proof. Is it ok to check her phone behind her back?
– Looking for Proof
Dear Looking for Proof,
This is going to be difficult to hear but your partner doesn’t owe you information about what they are doing or why. You wouldn’t pressure your friends to show you their texts and it’s not just because you aren’t interested, it’s because you respect their privacy and their boundaries (hopefully) and you wouldn’t expect them to give up their privacy to appease you. That logic applies to your romantic relationships too.
While it is not ok to demand to know who is texting her, you can practice #healthycommunication by sharing how the constant texts (or phubbing) makes you feel: “Hey sometimes when we’re together, it feels like you’re not really into hanging out with me because you’re always on your phone.”
However, your intent is everything and if the phubbing (aka phone snubbing) is not the reason you have a problem with the constant texting than this conversation will not serve your relationship in the long run.
It sounds like you don’t trust your partner because if there was genuine trust in the relationship, you wouldn’t feel the need to see your partner’s phone, even if she offers it up. Ultimately, I believe in trusting your gut – and right now your gut is telling you something is off. You can and should trust that but also evaluate why.
Has your partner given you a reason to not trust them? Are you predisposed to not trust people? In either case, it might be a good idea to take a break from the relationship as a healthy relationship can’t grow if one or both partners aren’t able to trust each other. And at the end of the day, if you don’t or can’t trust your girlfriend, it’s time to go: not check her phone.