#AskOneLove: “I Want to Make My Friend (with Benefits) My S.O.”
Dear One Love,
I met this guy on tinder this past school year and ironically enough he happened to be the RA two floors up from me and a senior. He was my first and we kept seeing each other after that. Once he saw me with one of my best friends who happens to be a guy and he seemed to be jealous but played it off that he wasn’t: he told me that I was free to see other people and that he was seeing other people as well. I recently found out that he lied and stopped seeing other people around the time we got together. Before school ended, he told me he didn’t want to engage in anything serious because he was graduating. After school ended I told him I wanted to be in a relationship with him and after two days of thinking it about he said he wasn’t ready yet and that he wanted to have a close friend kind of relationship.
Before I had moved out we didn’t use a condom and a couple weeks later I was worried that I was pregnant. He was there every step of the way and didn’t want me to take all of the responsibility of figuring this out. A couple weeks ago I got another blood test done since he worries a lot. He said to make it up to me he wants to spend a weekend together. We didn’t really have any relationship when we first got together, and he definitely has made a lot of effort to be better friends. Three months later I still want to be with him but, I don’t know if he’s changed his mind. Should I bring it up again and ask?
-Should I Ask or Not?
Dear Should I Ask or Not,
The short answer: yes. You should bring it up again and ask- mainly because you are sadly not a mind reader (none of us are) 😅. You are obviously into this person and the only way you’ll know if your feelings are reciprocated is if you ask.
Will it suck if he still doesn’t want a relationship? Yes.
But it will also give you the chance to make a decision that’s best for you. And having clear boundaries around what you are and aren’t okay with, in a romantic relationship or friendship with benefits, is pivotal to its success. If he says no to making it official, maybe you’ll be cool with still being friends and hooking up, but not comfortable going away with him for the weekend. Maybe you will decide to make a clean break. Whatever your decision, take stock of how you’re feeling and do what’s best for you. The bottom line is being upfront and communicating with him is the quickest and healthiest way to get the answer you seek.
Side note: It sounds like you were both concerned about an unplanned pregnancy.
While it’s amazing to feel supported by your partner when you have a pregnancy scare, it’s up to the both of you to be equally invested in taking responsibility for contraception (i.e. condom, diaphragm, birth control patch or pill) in the future. Like healthy relationships, healthy hookups should include an open and honest conversation about sex, boundaries, and contraception. Check out this article to learn more about how to start a conversation about sex with your sexual partner.